Small bit of information: no, this is not the series I promised. It will have this theme and similarities to this information and mini-series, though! Yes, this is crack. Yes this takes place prior to and during the Chunin Exams. I made this because these are scenes that may not be able to fit in my story. Also, no one has ever really explained the “puberty” phase in Naruto.
Gaara’s a male. Gaara’s probably got more testosterone/stuff going on in his head because of the Shukaku. He would’ve started looking at someone during the Chunin Exams! Now that person is…YOU!
Tweaked the Naruto timeline to have all genin about 16 during the Chunin exams (so this series won’t seem weird or wrong). Temari and Kankuro are obvious exceptions. They’ll be about seventeen-eighteen. Gaara, in this crackfic creation, will achieve Kazekage rank about 17-18 (or 21 if you MUST follow the time skip to a T).
Gaara will be OOC a little.
I imagine him to be: hateful of the people who dissed him (obviously), confused because Shukaku is ready to give him awkward situational/body guidance and Kankuro basically pees himself whenever Gaara asks him a question, spoiled because he’s used to people giving him what he wants (for fear of dying), and a cynical thinking smart-ass.
He tries to be polite, but honestly his I-hate-people attitude comes shining through. Whenever he talks, it’s sarcastic and might be slightly perverted (because this guy’s human).
Note: pre-made character. If you don’t like it, don’t read. Some details will be revealed throughout the story. Others (most) are listed below.
Name: Yuu, Umiko [Last, First]
Village: Kirigakure/Village Hidden in the Mist
Alias: The Little Murderess
Kekkei Genkai: Water vision – allows the user to map and view moisture content and its route throughout the body.
Status: Genin. Certified medic ninja.
Birthday: [insert your birthday here]
Height: about 5’0”. 5’3” in shoes.
Hair color: Dark brown. Almost mistaken for black.
Eye color: [insert your eye color here]. Light blue/clear grey when using kekkei genkai
Skin color: pale.
Family: [you can substitute names of family or friends here] – father, mother, two sisters (both older).
History: the Yuus are a family dictated by the words of a deceased fortune teller. Legend has it that the very first female Yuu (who later married into the Yuu family) unknowingly avoided battle and death by meeting an arranged suitor in a different village. Along the way she ran into the fortune teller who explained her good luck. That fortune teller promised longevity of the family, security, beauty, and happiness if the tradition was followed.
Once married, the husband could decide whether or not to maintain the tradition. The first Yuu’s husband did – only to make sure his tradition was kept alive. The first Yuu married an expert torture ninja that was part of a long-standing and trusted family in Kirigakure. Each generation, at least one child must bear the mantle of “Murderer” or “Murderess” to uphold their promised loyalty to Kirigakure.
Because your sisters refused to be that child, it fell to you. You are the murderess. The original Kirigakure torturers knew sixteen techniques, but you’ve hammered out a total of sixty-four. Had you been a popular child, you wouldn’t have bothered with making jutsus at all. But…you weren’t.
Your mother had a water birth, but you were born early. Between the chakra in her body, and the chakra of the medic ninja, water was unintentionally forced into your body. It nearly killed you; you were resuscitated but the damage had been done.
The chakra had slightly damaged the sensorimotor part of your brain that sends signals to your legs. Though you can stand, walk, run, and jump, you can only do it for so long. You get tired easily, and you don’t walk very fast.
This inspired you to be a medic ninja, which you worked very hard to do. Your mother was highly against this idea, but your father supported it. He thought it would make your jutsus more potent.
This impairment concerned your parents and inspired them to travel the villages for some sort of a cure. They couldn’t find one, but met a man who made you special shoes in Konoha: Guy. Your parents returned, with the shoes and you, to Kirigakure. As you came of age mastering the Yuu techniques, learning how to function despite your disability, and undergoing multiple etiquette lessons to take care of yourself and future husband, you decided to resume traveling the known villages to find more than helpful shoes.
Your parents approved, as they thought it would expose you to more potential suitors. You’ve been in Konoha for a year. Not wanting you to get hurt in a way that rendered you impossible to marry, your parents requested that the Hokage only let you do in-village missions. Income was never scarce; living in Kirigakure had taught you herbs and plants that you later used as a base for your perfume making.
Friends: Choji, Shikamaru, Hinata, Ten-Ten.
Close friends: Naruto, Lee.
Enemies: Sasuke, Neji.
Neutral: Sakura, Ino, Shino, Kiba.
Tutors: Guy, Kakashi, Ibiki.
Team: N/A – usually accompanies Squad 7 as a medic.
Extra: speed is low, so is taijutsu. Ninjutsu and Genjutsu is very high; her genjutsu second-highest in her hometown academy. Glasses are necessary.
[h/l] – hair length
[e/c] – eye color
[f/c] - favorite color
This one won’t have as much substance because it sets the stage, but the others WILL be more involved. Might do a lemon or two.
Moment One – ...Boobies
You groaned, smashing your face against the criminally comfortable pillow. “Naruto…go away…” you demanded in a whiny and frustrated voice. The blonde ninja was the first friend you’d made in Konoha, but that in no way gave him permission to wake you up three hours before your perfume store opened. Naruto was easily violating several rules of the Yuu’s Pre-Marriage Etiquette Manual your family had fashioned.
But Naruto was Naruto. He didn’t care.
If he could love you with your crazy morning hair – nothing but [h/l] lumps, curls, and frizz – then someone else could, too. That was the only positive in this situation.
You couldn’t take it anymore. Hair a mess, bottoms missing, top rumpled, you stumbled to your window. Naruto waited below with his usual massive grin. “Quit calling me that!” you demanded, pointing at him in a reprimanding manner. “Someone really will think I’m your wife!”
After becoming friends with the young man and accepting an invitation over to his house, you nearly died.
It. Was. Filthy.
Cups of ramen littered the kitchen. Some were unopened, some were empty, and most had been abandoned. One was stale and green. You swore that one of them moved! His fridge was stocked, but most of the food was expired.
The other rooms of his house showed a similar…decorating style.
Part of the Yuu Pre-Marriage Etiquette Manual was to never leave the house in an unlivable or unpleasant state. You cleaned like a madwoman until you were sure Naruto wouldn’t mutate just from living in his own filth. Ever since, highly amused with your good and thorough job, Naruto considered you his dutiful housewife.
“Come on down and I’ll stop!” he cheesed again. You rolled your eyes.
Brushing out your [h/l] hair, slipping into casual clothes, you went downstairs to invite him in. Your day could hardly start without some sort of nutrition or liquid. The Yuu family jutsus required pulling water from the enemy or from the user, so it was paramount that you receive adequate nutrition and hydration. More often than not, your jutsus were fueled by the water in your own body. Most ninjas had to look out for their chakra level;
you had to look out for your hydration and your charka.
If you used up too much of the water in your body, you would literally look sunken in and at least twenty pounds lighter. You made the mistake of doing that once, by accident when practicing with Kakashi. People mistook you for a starved ghost before you passed out. That’s when the Konoha medic ninja delivered startling news: depleting the water in your body could kill you.
Also, amounts of salt – large or small – could shock your body and send you into convulsions.
You would shrivel like the men you’d halfheartedly killed to hone your techniques.
Never one to eat early in the morning, you grabbed a small canteen. You sipped from it as you joined Naruto outside. “Let’s go eat ramen!”
“Kami-sama, Naruto! Again!” you chided good-naturedly. That seemed to be all he ate! It was wreaking havoc on his body – you’d seen that with your Kekkei genkai. In exchange for you not telling him how awful his arteries were – “Which they shouldn’t be, anyways, because I’m never not doing anything,” he’d counter, “and I’m gonna be Hokage one day so I can’t die!” – he offered to try and eat a bit healthier.
It was good enough for you.
You had the veggie noodle bowl with fried rice and scrambled egg. Naruto stuffed his face with the first ramen on the menu. He tried and ate food indiscriminately. You were so jealous; you’d been forced to eat vegetables growing up (whether you liked them or not). Now, though, thankfully, you liked those foods.
He ate three bowls to your one, but that didn’t surprise you.
“Alright, Naruto,” you put your portion of the bill down while patting him on the back, “I have to go fill orders.”
“When am I gonna get that perfume that’ll make Sakura go crazy for me?” he leaned back, arms tucked behind his head. He was more serious about this than most things. You’d mentioned – as a joke – that everyone had ‘trigger scents’ that they subconsciously found attractive or disgusting. By figuring out what scents someone like, you could make a perfume that acted as a personal magnet.
“When I can trust you.” you laughed, patting his shoulder again. If he and Sasuke still got into tiffs like they were children, then Naruto wasn’t ready for that kind of chemical advantage. Naruto pouted and hrrmph!-ed as you went to unlock your fragrance shop.
For convenience sake, it was next to the Yamanaka flower shop. Floral ingredients were highly requested, as that was one of the things Konoha had in abundance. You unlocked the door to do inventory and check your order list. You’d flipped the ‘Welcome’ sign over after setting out sample sheets, dipping sticks, arranging displays, and finishing the four orders that would be retrieved today.
Connected to the shop front was the backroom where you made the orders. Shikamaru’s father thoughtfully designed a hanging rack to hold your packaging supplies – ribbons, wrapping paper, and boxes. Imported glass bottles in many shapes and sizes lined the table to your right. Directly at the back sat all your bowls and neatly aligned ingredients. Pinned to the wall was a detailed list of unfilled orders.
“Guess Ms. Yoshino is raging again. Or nagging.” You giggled, recognizing Shikaku’s slanted, loopy scrawl.
You immersed yourself in orders, falling blind to the passage of time. Your water-based talents proved perfect for extracting the nutrients and fragrances. Some of your jutsus – ones that required your kekkei genkai – could function on the molecular level, which was also helpful. Absently pushing your glasses up on your nose, you hunched over the bowl.
Chamomile, orange, lavender and sandalwood, just as Shikaku asked.
You filled a long bottle before busying yourself with attaching the tube to the spritzer.
The chiming bell suspended above the front door caught your attention. Your [e/c] gazed at the clock stationed above your back table. “You’re early, Ms. Shigawa!” you commented with surprise, wiping your hands as you moved to the store front. Yoshino’s boxed perfume was carefully deposited beneath the counter.
“It’s not Ms. Shigawa!” said a little voice, “It’s me, Moegi!”
“I told you, Moegi, I don’t feel comfortable giving you a facial. You’re too young to be starting a beauty regimen, anyways.”
“It’s about Naruto!” she insisted.
Oh no. What’s he gotten into now?
“Tell me on the way.” you grimaced, locking up shop. The supportive shoes with hidden metal slats relaxed your feet and gave you a normal walking appearance, but did little for your speed. Moegi was able to tell you about Sakura’s mini-rampage and Konohamaru running into some strange man with kitty ears on his head before you arrived. Sasuke had apparently thrown a rock when the weird kitty man didn’t want to let Konohamaru go.
She’d fetched you after fearing that Naruto and Sasuke would get into another fight.
A blonde woman with her hair carefully portioned into four pigtails caught your eye first. Beside her was a man dressed entirely in black. His face was decorated with purple kabuki paint. Because you hung out with Ibiki, you were aware of the coming Chunin Exams. He entrusted you with not telling a soul that he was a proctor for a part of the exam (which one, you didn’t know).
“Please excuse their shenanigans.” you bowed respectfully, Pre-Marriage Etiquette Manual instincts coming forth. “We welcome you to our village for the coming Chunin Exams.”
“Finally!” the blonde woman smirked, “Someone who knows!”
“Chunin Exams?” Naruto blurted in his usual loud and confused fashion, “What’s that?”
“The test genin have to take to become chunin, boss.” answered Konohamaru.
“And, as you can see,” the blonde pulled out her stamped passport, “we have permission to be here.”
“But you don’t have permission to parade around and hurt children.” you glared at the man.
“Kid started it.” he snorted.
“But you’re older. Or are you?”
Konohamaru’s group and Naruto began to chuckle.
The man cracked open a painted eye, sizing you up. “I’d be careful if I were you.” he warned with a smirk. “Sand genin are nothing to take lightly.”
“Neither am I.” you smiled honestly and politely.
“You tell ‘im, Housewife!” cheered Naruto.
Your automatic reaction was to turn and lecture Naruto. As you did, you felt something pulling at your legs. Your first thought was to get away and analyze your opponent. There was clearly chakra at work; the odd sensation didn’t happen on its own. Thankfully, your hands were eons faster than your feet.
A gentle mist exploded, dampening the ground and tinting the air of the area where you once stood. It drifted away towards the base of a nearby tree. Upon reforming, you unleashed your kekkei genkai. Flesh and clothes faded away as you looked upon the chakra pathways and organs of those in front of you. The black-wearing man had a high amount of chakra – shown as a yellowish-orange as opposed to calm and unused blue – in his fingertips.
“So…you’re a puppeteer, hm?”
“You’re pretty smart, kid.” he acknowledged. “Unfortunately, it takes more than brains to stay alive in the exams.”
“I’ll be alright.” you shrugged. The Yuus hadn’t taught you to kill for nothing.
Naruto began loudly inquiring about the puppeteer comment; those inquiries were ignored. You didn’t feel like explaining it, and the Sand genin obviously didn’t want to give away his technique. It would come to Naruto eventually, you assumed. “Hey, Konohamaru, still feeling bad?”
“Well…I don’t feel nice!” he pouted.
“Let’s make you laugh, hm?”
“I don’t think so.” the kitty man pulled on a strap by his shoulder.
“Don’t, Kankuro. You know he’s watching.”
“Then he’ll see it’s justified.”
“Fluid Fluctuation: Oral Spout!” you slammed your hands into the tree. The man paused, dumbfounded.
You weren’t stupid. You knew what you were doing. Sasuke – or Duckbutt, as you so affectionately called him – was still up in the tree. Your chakra raced through the bark, jumping from molecule to molecule of absorbed moisture until it reached the well spring: Sasuke. The Sand genin expected an attack from you, not from Sasuke.
But that’s where it came from.
Your jutsu forced some of Sasuke’s inner fluid from his body. The end result was a well-aimed projectile-styled rush of water heading straight for Konohamaru’s assailant.
“Ah! Ah! God dammit, you brat – glub glub ptoo! – stop!”
You released Sasuke from your jutsu, highly amused. The last Uchiha scowled at you as he wiped his mouth. The blonde Sand genin giggled into her hand. Konohamaru and the others exploded into laughter again.
“Yuu!” growled Sasuke, all but spitting your name.
“Hahahaha!” Naruto pointed at Sasuke, “You totally threw up on that guy!”
“I’d say you’re an embarrassment to our village, Kankuro, but I don’t think it needs to be said.” commented a new voice. It was odd; despite its gravelly nature, it was strangely smooth. You shivered not only from the new timbre, but because of the closeness.
It sounded like…like it was coming from above you. You looked up, finding no one. To your left, opposite of Sasuke and hanging from a branch upside down, was a crimson-haired male with the finest porcelain skin you’d ever seen. A pair of gorgeous, seemingly pupil-less light blue eyes – or were they blue green? You couldn’t tell! – narrowed lethally inside their black borders. You thought they’d fallen on you before sliding back to the scene, but couldn’t be sure.
His look was intense enough to give you chills!
He dissolved into tendrils of sand that snaked down the tree. The young redhead joined up with the other two Sand genin. The black-wearing man quickly apologized. Giving him little of a response, the redhead turned away. Despite his stature he appeared to be the leader; the other two followed without question.
Trouble was literally leaving.
It was…before Sasuke called it back. He simply had to know the name of the redhead. While you would never openly dream of complimenting him in public, you were secretly glad he made such a demand. You wanted to know the boy’s name, too. “Gaara” had been thrown around, but you weren’t sure if that was him. The kitty man uttered that word, but shook too bad to say it properly.
He was, in fact, Gaara of the Desert.
Gaara asked for Sasuke’s name, which was given with immense pride. Sabaku no Gaara then turned on heel again.
“Bet you’re just dying to know my name, right?!” Naruto called loudly and happily, jabbing a thumb into his chest.
“No.” replied the redhead quickly and effortlessly, staring over his shoulder.
“But you…the girl with [e/c] eyes…what’s your name?”
That was a first. You floundered for a moment. “Y-Yuu, Umiko!” you bowed.
“Umiko Yuu…” he said the name once, as if testing it. Your heart cantered as he approached you. The sound of his soft steps seemed magnified and ear-shattering as he made his way over to you. His eyes were heart-stopping.
“Wha—!? H-Hey!” your feet began to sink in the earth. The harder you pulled to free them, the farther you sank. Were you just seeing things or did the ground take the shape of sandy hands?
“HOUSEWIFE!” Naruto’s cry of disbelief seemed to have stopped the sand. You were up to your elbows in Konoha soil. The deeper layers of sand were disgustingly moist and
untouched. Dry, familiar, foot-beaten sand surrounded you.
A pair of black sandals stopped in front of you. You lifted your head to meet his piercing, still gaze. “You have interesting techniques, Umiko Yuu.”
“While I don’t particularly care that Kankuro got what he deserved, you still messed with him. No one messes with that embarrassment but me.” he said nothing else. Gaara stared at you again, as if his eyes alone could impale you with the message. You looked down, frustrated and embarrassed. You were in too deep to use your hands or make hand signals.
Something in you told you to look up, and you did. As if the Sand genin knew you were trying to wiggle your fingers beneath the dirt, a corner of his mouth turned up in a near-microscopic smirk. His smirk was animalistic and cold. There was something…unnatural to it. You looked down again, not wanting to hold his gaze.
You ended up looking straight down into your own relaxed [f/c] shirt and partially exposed [color] bra. Your cheeks darkened with mortification and blood. The unfinished burial had forced your chest and clothes flush against the ground. Between the pressure of your containment and your light struggling, the material of your [f/c] shirt had naturally crumpled and dipped.
Though your nipples weren’t showing, your [breast size] breasts were fairly obvious to someone in his position.
Gaara flashed an amused and unashamed smile before paying you no mind, leaving you in the dirt, and meeting up with his siblings. They complied without a word. Not so much as a remark about his inappropriate behavior!
Sand began to accumulate and swirl softly around his form. Gaara threw his hand out, then lifted it up. You yelped as sand collected beneath you like some sort of pressurized cannon. You were thrown from the hole by a spout of sand. The world spun with your cartwheeling body.
Naruto had the decency to catch you. You clung to him, too dizzy to depend on your own body. Udon managed to find and clean your glasses. When you put them on your face, clearing your focusing eyes, you saw that the Sand genin were gone!
Sasuke hopped down from the tree. “This is going to be an interesting exam.” he smirked before walking away.
You had to agree.